They tell us that man sought the grail to unlock the secrets of wisdom and purity. That he sought the fountain of youth for everlasting life. That he sought the Northwest Passage for spices and adventure.
But that’s all a bunch of hogwash, isn’t it?
Men – and probably most women if we’d let them have half a chance – sought these things for global power. Dominance. Supremacy. If I had the grail’s wisdom I could rule the world. If I never grew old, I could rule for eternity. If I could get to the Orient I could… okay, yeah, that one’s got me a bit mystified I confess. I mean I like a nice cinnamon toast as much as the next fellow but not enough to plow through endless mountains of snow and ice for it.
But you know what I would plow through snow and ice for? Global Power. And you know how you get it?
Maple syrup.
Oh I can hear you laughing, but listen to me my lovelies – he (or she) who controls the maple syrup controls the world. And I’m not saying that because I love a bit on my pancakes or waffles. Truth be told, I am not even remotely partial to the stuff as a condiment (condiment? Gravy? Sauce? Let’s go with condiment). But I am partial to power and I know the seat of power when I see it. And it lies in Maple Syrup. (figuratively speaking. Because actually lying in maple syrup would be a sticky disgusting mess and isn’t impressing anyone).
Now, if I begin my proof at the beginning, you’ll think I’m absurd. And if I begin it at the end, you’ll think I’m obvious. So I’ll begin it in the middle. More or less.
In 1759 actually. For the first half of that 18th century – and before as well - the French were, it is not an exaggeration to say, the dominant player on the global stage. The Bourbon empire reached out from the palatial gardens of Versailles into South America, to Guadeloupe and Martinique in the Caribbean, to India and to Senegal and Madagascar in Africa. No nation controlled as many human lives, traded in as many products, and rolled in as much obscene largesse as did the French in the 18th century.
Oh, and did I mention that they also controlled Canada? Vast swathes of the great white north were settled by les habitants in flourishing cities of Quebec and Montreal and explored by les voyaguers who trapped for lucrative beaver pelts, and proselytized by Jesuits intent on, I don’t know, getting first peoples to jones for communion wafers, I guess.
And what else does controlling Canada get you besides beaver pelts and Chippewa arguing about the transubstantiation of the eucharist? And hockey players?
Maple Syrup.
Pulled from the sap of millions of trees from the shores of the St Lawrence river up to the frozen arctic tundra, almost since the day those first explorers set foot on Canadian soil in 1534.
But hold on. I started this little explanation with the year 1759, didn’t I? What happens in 1759? Well, in 1759 – September to be precise – France finally loses the Seven Years War – we called it the French and Indian war here in the states – to the British. The final battle taking place, fittingly, in Quebec province on the Plains of Abraham, overlooking the city of Quebec.
And sure, when they won, the British got control of some islands in the Caribbean and Senegal and Florida (for some reason) – but most importantly they got Canada, home of most of the world’s Maple Syrup. And what happened next? The explosion of the British Empire! First, utter control of North America (when you combine Canada with Britain’s unruly colonies to the South). But then ultimately India and of course Australia and New Zealand. And then South Africa and Rhodesia and parts of Indonesia, and Singapore and Hong Kong and oh, the list goes on and on for the sun never did set on the British Empire, did it?
And I ask you – did they have this breathtakingly large dominion before they gained control of the maple syrup?
Hold that thought.
Because consider this – the British empire by most accounts, peaked right around the end of World War One (the obliteration of a generation of your finest young men will do that for a nation). And who began to rise to a position of prominence in its wake? Slowly to be sure but clearly dominant by 1945 after pretty much every other nation had blasted itself and its neighbors into oblivion?
I’ll help you with that. It was us, the United States
And what country, by the middle of the 20th century, was the number one producer of maple syrup in the world?
Yes. Exactly.
You want one more? How about this - Who wrecked havoc on Europe and Asia and were the most feared group from Moscow to Madrid during the middle ages? The Vikings, right? Setting out from Scandinavia they sacked and pillaged for nearly 300 years. And they also set up the first colony in North America – the only place on the planet where there is maple syrup - in 1021. Coincidence?
When France controlled the Maple Syrup, they ruled the world. When England did, they did. When they Vikings did, they did. And when we did, we did.
Wait – “did”?
Yes because I must confess to you that America is no longer the dominant controller of the world’s maple syrup. For while we were gamely fighting off Communist threats in Korea and Vietnam and deposing and assassinating duly elected heads of state in Chile and Iran, another country was, behind our backs, rapidly increasing its production of maple syrup. China? Russia? India? The Tri-Lateral Commission? Hardly.
Canada.
Yes, after literally centuries of sitting idly by, our alleged “friends” to the north have figured out that the key to world power lies in the maple syrup that is produced on their shores. And Canada’s corresponding rise as a global power can be directly traced to its increasing control of it.
Before Canada controlled its maple syrup, it was a sleepy backwater, not even a nation until 1967! And now look at it! Hosting the Olympics three separate times! Producing 27 Nobel Laureates! The tenth largest economy in the world! Pamela Anderson! Ryan Reynolds! And sure, economists and political scientists will point to Canada’s vast oil fields, its gold, zinc, copper and nickel resources, it’s banking and financial institutions as the reasons for its success. Sure. Except they had all those things before they locked down producing nearly 75% of the world’s maple syrup, didn’t they!
So put down your phone and get off your couch – it’s time to get out your cordless drills and buckets and spiles and hooks. It’s time to start tapping our trees and saving America. Get your kids to do it, get your neighbors. Ask your senators and congressmen and presidential candidates where they stand on the most important issue of the day – U.S. maple syrup production. Do it now because with every passing moment, Canadian hegemony grows and American power wanes.
Because America needs you to make maple syrup as if your very life depended on it.
Because it does.